I've been rejected...

it has been 4 weeks since I nursed by baby boy. 4 weeks ago, I nursed him before daycare and I had no idea that would be our last. The next morning we were at the clinic and that was his first ear infection. He hadn't nursed that great that morning and we realized that he is smart! Not like we didn't already know that, but he had figured out it is a lot harder to nurse than it is to suck from a bottle. So when we went to the clinic he was put on Amoxicillan and home we went. That was Bear's first night back home after being on the road and Emmitt still hadn't nursed. Emmitt had spiked that high temp and through the night of crying I kept trying to nurse him. He would not have it. Every time I laid him down to nurse, he would scream. So I pumped and gave him a bottle. I actually found a bottle that is 90 degrees, so I could feed him sitting upright and take the pressure off that ear. He fought the bottle, no surprise there. He has fought that bottle every.single.day of his existence! He has not eaten milk "nicely" since. After a week or so he finally figured out this is the way it was going to be. I can't say I have ever had either of the boys, just lay back and take a bottle no questions asked, consistently. I have no idea how we managed to produce two kids who refuse a bottle. We are lucky Stephie loves us so much! And remember this is coming from 3 years ago when Parker got kicked out of his first daycare for not eating! So this whole time I have been pumping and giving him milk in a bottle. About a week of doing that, it hit me...hard! I cried over my baby not being a baby anymore, about him not needing me to sustain his life, not producing as much milk by pumping as I had been with nursing. Every time I would go to make a bottle I would start crying again. Thankfully my wonderful husband is helping me through all of this without telling me to put by big girl panties on and deal with it. So I had asked the doctor what physically develops between 10 and 12 months in their stomachs and if he thought it was a good idea to put him on whole milk. He said not much changes and to do what I felt was right. So I started alternating with the frozen milk I had stocked up and what I could pump and whole milk. It didn't seem to phase Emmitt. Bear and I talked again and decided that he is just too little to be on straight milk and for now he is still taking a bottle-to a point. So at 6:45 am this morning I was off to the grocery store for formula. You have no idea how hard it was for me to make that decision. I was out of milk and wasn't pumping what I thought he should be getting. I made him a bottle-pew-I had no idea that it smelled so rancid. He took it and drank a few sucks and pushed his eyebrows together and looked at me...then continued to pound 7 ounces. So here's to hoping he continues this highly expensive diet. Again, it makes me sad but also I need to look at my new found freedom. Bear gets to bond with him at bedtime now and I no longer have to pump! Gotta look at the bright side, right?